The Chronicles Of An Angry Black Queer
Entry #5: Why I Stopped Fucking HIV Negative Men
"Black gay men die at a higher rate from in transition from HIV to AIDS and related opportunistic infections than White men where rates of HIV infection are the highest."
I came to the acceptance that I DO NOT date guys that are HIV NEGATIVE. While there were a couple of great experiences, I would rather not be that person that they supposedly "worry" about. I am healthy, most us living with HIV are healthier than the average person. It just baffles me that folk are arrogant enuf to think that they should be allowed a chance AFTER initially saying no "we can't because you have #HIV." Now they are looking like, "because #PrEP." Fuck that bullshit all you wanted was the lay up and I am not the bitch that will give it to you. I am not being mean, I am being real and I am not sorry about what I just said. It took me time to heal and to be able to be as open as I am about being poz and I refuse to let you stigmatize me while wanting a "risky" fuck down.
I AM UNAPOLOGETIC ABOUT WHO I AM...
For a long time I hid my HIV status unless I knew that I will be sexually active and had always felt that it was no one's business. I walked right out of that closet, but I did not come out for me alone. I came for everyone who has been ostracized and made to feel nasty. We are not fucking nasty! We are not contagious! I realized I hid this part of myself for YOUR comfort, for the random sessions of pseudo-intimacy or even for the goal of true romance. I can no longer sacrifice my sanity and unapologetic nature for the sake of being able to date, for sex or even true intimacy. I am fucking tired of explaining how this works to you after disclosing my status. I'm tired of telling you how good and well I take care of myself in order to keep my health in check so YOU can feel comfortable about fucking when you outchea doing all kinds of shit without "proper protection."
I NEED PROTECTION FROM YOU!!!
You are more dangerous than I am to you, sitting there judging me in your tiny little minds, deeming me to be promiscuous and hoeish. You are more dangerous to me because you can still fuck with me and turn around out of spite and tell someone I didn't disclose my status to you. I could get put in jail in 33 states fucking with people like you. MANY of you are good people so if the shoe don't fit, don't put that fucker on. I see how dangerous you are when I read posts on social media and hear conversations that are centered on the subject of HIV, the stigma you all perpetuate is so fucking blatant. When you say shit like, "they are out sleeping with everyone and not disclosing their status" in such a general way, it stigmatizes us all. At this point I would rather not tell you the role of seroconversion and the low rates of transmission after diagnoses, google it bitch. I see this recurring theme of guys not wanting to know, "I just want to fuck, I don't want to know your status."
"why do you even tell people?"
"You are too out about being POZ..."
All this so that they can be comfortable and justify liking to fuck raw and random. In my opinion you should be ok with how you like to fuck, but don't stigmatize me in the process. I am weary of doing anything with a dude who knows nothing about their status, it means they may have other STDs & STIs. I REFUSE to be your secret, whether you are POZ or not, we are in the eye of a storm and I am an activist with a very public life. we need to address this fear, this stigma about HIV that YOU, my fellow black gay men have. We need to have a real conversation about how this really works and how we hurt each other in the process. Until then I will continue to live an UNAPOLOGETIC LIFE, I will continue to live my truth and I will continue self care by accepting myself for who I am. It is time that you accept you for who you are too chile...
My name is Ashton P. Woods
I am HIV positive.