Sunday, February 14, 2016

#RealTalk: I Like To Fuck & I'm Ok With That

In my almost 17 years of being out, eligible to date, fuck, and even love, I have come to one simple conclusion: we are not sex positive. If we are to have a conversation about having baes, being booed up and being in relationships that are long lasting, we should be able to talk about how we got to those points. If we have even reached those points. I meant just what I said in the title, though it may ruffle some feathers, know that I am unapologetic and you will get over it.

In this single life of mine and yours, we have needs and risks that come with those needs, that range from childish men to STDs. I have been very vocal about being HIV positive because of the stigma that still persists today in communities of color, especially the Black community. In reality I have had many experiences with different types of guys and they are as follows:

1. The I want to date you, but I really want to fuck type of guy:

- This dude is either confused or trying to be manipulative to get what he needs out of you, beware of this fool. You meet, smile, greet and he says "I really like you and want to get to know you." He goes on and on about how he loves monogamy, wants a family and wants to wait to have sex. But then you go on a date and then get a moment where you are at his house or yours and then he wants to drop those pants. Let me be clear, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH SEX ON THE FIRST DATE.  The problem with this type is that they say what they think you need to hear in order to get a nut with you instead of just asking for what he wants.

2.The I want to fuck you, but I really mean date you type of guy:

- This dude is also either confused or trying to be manipulative and upon further inspection can be deemed emotionally unstable. Daddy issues even. Regardless of how you meet, he talks about all the nasty things he can and will do to you, will invite you to his house and then no follow through. If we were deemed a hook up by mutual decision, what makes you think that anything beyond friendship, if that, will happen? I mean really, who wants blue balls or a wasted fleet for those of you who are bottoms? Anyway the supposed sex session, fuck down turns into the please "hold me" show while we watch a movie.

3. The I want a relationship, but friends come first guy:

- Ever meet a guy you really like and he has almost all of the qualities that you look for, but you notice that his friends make all of his decisions? Don't lie, either you are that guy or you have met him. He will literally do the things for his friends that would look like he should be in a relationship with him. OR, he needs to be needed. the kind of guy that needs someone that he can influence and boss around. So he lets five and six folks stay in his apartment, free of charge, while they leach and eat him out of house and home. They never have time for you or themselves & can't seem to get rid of the toxic relationships. STAY AWAY FROM HIM.

4. The mamma's boy:

- There is nothing wrong with a mama's boy if he can separate his love life from his relationship with his mother. However, this is the guy who cannot say no to mama and will say "how high" when she beckons him to jump. This is the guy that takes his love of mom to a new level, leaving you to wonder when he will make at least one decision for himself without her. Not that this guy isn't an independent thinker or anything, but he will be a tough person to deal with if you get serious with him.

While there are countless others that I could describe, you get the damn point. In reality we are not saying the thing that we all want to say: "Hi, I am attracted to you, lets fuck..." We are not lonely hoes, we are not devoid of morals, we are not unintelligent, we are and have to be real about our needs. As a collective of Black Gay/SGL men we need to stop slut shaming, yucking others' yums, and mind our own damn business. Sex is good for the mind and the body, the last thing we need to do is to worry about the judgement of our so called friends and folks who are no doubt logged in on A4A, Jack'd, Grindr, Scruff and the host of other hook up apps that live in their phones. Yeah, I said it they are judging you, hating on your pull, searching for their backbreaker all at the same damn time.

The reason why this is problematic, conversations about sex and relationships among friends are limited and often out of context. We need to stop preaching to each other about how to fuck, who we fuck or even when & where we fuck. We have to say more than "wrap it up, " we have to start realizing that many of us will not stop going at it on the raw tip and be ok with the fact that we know the risks. Tell your friends about PrEP and other types of protection in a way that makes them not want to mute you while you are talking. As matter of fact try to have your own HIV 101!

"Let's be honest about who we are, a lot of us like to fuck raw and then bash those who are open about it. We do not live in a sex positive society and act like sexual puritans. The TRUTH is that we all know someone with an HIV diagnosis and will ignorantly act as if we don't. Let me make a correction in course, HIV 101" - A Survivor's Guide to HIV - THE BASICS

"Pre-exposure prophylaxis, or PrEP, is a way for people who do not have HIV but who are at substantial risk of getting it to prevent HIV infection by taking a pill every day. The pill (brand name Truvada) contains two medicines (tenofovir and emtricitabine) that are used in combination with other medicines to treat HIV. When someone is exposed to HIV through sex or injection drug use, these medicines can work to keep the virus from establishing a permanent infection.

When taken consistently, PrEP has been shown to reduce the risk of HIV infection in people who are at high risk by up to 92%. PrEP is much less effective if it is not taken consistently." - CDC

We have been reduced to White heteropatriarchal standards that have been passed down through generations of our community by way of respectability politics. We can no longer apply heteronormative standards to homosexual existence. This aversion to even talking about sex outside of the context of STDs needs to be unlearned.

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